They came back in and, not noticing me quietly sitting in the living room, sat down together at the island in our kitchen. My dad took out some paperwork as he began explaining what all the legal jargon meant, “By signing this, we are saying that there will be no custody battle…”

Such a wonderful way to start out an already shitty day: watching your parents as they sign away their marriage. 20 years together. And suddenly with the ink of a pen and the help of a costly attorney, it can be like it never happened. It’s just a whisper in one’s past.

A couple months ago, I was sitting at that same island when my mom hurriedly came downstairs. She was more upset, more angry than I’d seen her in awhile. I asked her what was wrong, but she would give me no answer. I backed off, knowing that answer would come out in time, but also because I feared I already knew the answer.

A few days before I had told my mom for the first time that dad had been taking out extra loans, knowing that I would be getting a nice sized refund from the school with which I could buy a car. Instantly I knew I had slipped up. To my surprise it was her first time hearing about it. So, I tried to downplay the situation as she began saying again and again how she had had enough, she was done. I feared what that could mean, but I thought I talked her down enough so she wouldn’t make any decisions until the initial shock blew over.

Unfortunately, though, that wouldn’t help any. Back at the island, I flashed back to that day prior as I realized our family was in for some changes. At first it seemed like everything would be okay, as my mom originally told me that responsibility for the bills was shifting from dad to her. I breathed a sigh of relief. That would be okay. Good, actually. Just as long as they would still be together.

I began noticing little things though. Things that changed between them, her and dad. They just weren’t the same any more. The atmosphere changed and a rift settled in between them. I knew that there was more.

After a week I finally got up the nerve to ask what was really going on, what else was there. In that moment, my fears were confirmed. When dad had the money, he’d be gone.

Last time they seperated it was my brother’s fault. Could I have started it this time? With that one little careless slip up?

Despite promises after a few month seperation years ago, promises to never divorce…

In a few weeks I will be leaving for Ecuador for a month. What will I come back to?

kadi.

And what am I left with at the end of the day?

My days are filled to the brim. I give myself to everyone; I give all I’ve got. I give myself to the breaking yet still I lay awake at night, fretting I didn’t give enough, fretting there was so much more I should’ve done.

My parents; relationship is on the rocks. I feel it’s my fault.

Financially the family is hurting even more. I should’ve done more to help. I was so selfish when I chose to take that week off of work when that money could’ve gone towards bills.

Yet, I’m only 18.

How can I be a shift manager!? How can do what is needed for my family? How can I be who that little girl needs me to be?

I’m still only 18.

And I’m still left so empty. Horribly, tragically empty.

At the end of the day, who can I go to? I’ve always been the strong point that people can count on to be there; that they can go to for anything. But who do I have?

I write today because I have no one that I feel I can voice this to. I write today because at the end of it all, I’ve left no time for me, for my relationships, for my life. I’ve invested so much into their lives that I’ve forgotten about mine.

Sure, I’m doing so much. But at the end of the day, where does that leave me?

kadi.

Hi. It’s us. Just wondering maybe you forgot where we were. Cause I was thinking it’s about time we deserve a break. You know that thing you give a lot of other people? Yeah, I’d love for that to be us. And I think maybe it’s been long enough. So, uh, just don’t forget about us, here, waiting.

Signed,
Me.

I keep going, keep busy. And when i’m not busy, i’m sleeping, doing anything to not have to think about life. I used to be rather proud to be able to say i was a “deep” thinker. Now deep thoughts scare me. Because they reveal truth. And that’s what i run from.

Life is good. i used to focus solely on the bad things. Now i ignore them, only see the good, and pretend all is well. it’s works for me, until the couple seconds once in awhile when i have no choice but to slow down. Then, everything i’ve been ignoring comes into plain view.

And it’s in those moments that I really, honestly, do miss God.

I work so hard to avoid Him. Not going to church, and not listening when i have to. Avoiding prayer, opening my Bible, etc, etc, etc.

Partly because i see God as a very, incredibly condemning God.

Go to church sunday morning. You have someone preach to you and lecture you. I always left feeling so incredibly low.

Go to church wednesday evening. If you aren’t on your face before the “cross” pleading for forgiveness, something is wrong.

I hate lectures. I hate being preached at. Love me. Hold me. Live with me. But please, do not lecture me. I won’t listen.

Friends don’t agree with what i’m doing. They’ve given up on me, but before, they’d lecture me. I didn’t listen. They got mad.

Well, maybe if you’d loved me, just the slightest bit, i would have tried to listen to what you had to say.

I see God as a condemning God. Yet I miss Him.

I miss the God I used to know. The one who loved, no matter what you did. The one I felt I could run to whenever i got myself into trouble.

I don’t feel like i can run anywhere. So the nights come, and I roll with it. Giving him parts of me I promised I’d save. In the end I feel so dirty, but I don’t dare go to God. I know what He’ll have to say. So i avoid Him and when the next night comes, I do it all over again.

But I miss the God I used to know. He’s there. Somewhere. I haven’t given up on that just yet. Only problem, though, is i don’t know how the hell to get there. Because the only God within my reach is this condemning one. And I want absolutely nothing to do with Him.

God. I miss You. Not this thing I’ve made you into.

kadi.

I’m not the same innocent little girl.
The one who would never think to lie.
The one who could sit on your lap and tell you about her day.

Do you rememer those nights I would call you at work
Just to say “I love you too, Mommy. Good night.”?
Do you remember me waiting at the door every morning and every evening
Crying as you left for work, and waiting for you to come back?

What would you do?

I’m not so sheltered from the world now.
And my memories aren’t so pure.
I’m not the girl you thought you’d raised

Do you remember waking me up at midnight
Just so I could share a cup of sherbet with you?
Do you remember letting me play dress up
And show off your wardrobe?

What would happen if you knew?

Very little is left pure and untouched.
Me and him? We aren’t just friends.
He even helps me go behind your backs.

Very little could still be called innocent
Our nights spent together, alone
They’ve all lost their image of me.

My passion is gone
My fire long since put out
My dreams become less extravgant with each decision made

But somewhere around, I’m still here
The girl who never wants to grow up
The one who can recite Pocahontas
And wants another ride on the tractor.

Somewhere still, she’s right here,
Daddy’s little girl.

kadi.

I’m still with my boyfriend, yet I know he is not the one for me. One problem. I just can’t seem to call it off.

School is going downhill. I’m losing friends. Nearly failing tests. And lucky I haven’t been kicked out of NHS.

Work. Love the people, hate the work. Plus the hours. I went from twenty a week to three. Between helping my parents pay for my car and court costs, I have a few bucks left to last me two weeks.

Ah yes. Court costs you ask? Well let me explain. You see, I totalled my car in December. So that’s another point:

No car.

But I digress. …I was cited for speeding and inattentivess. Court was today. And because I had a proabtionary license (first six months of having a license) current Ohio law states that at very minimum, my license must be suspended for six months or until I turn 17 with my only privileges being that I can drive only with a parent in the car. That means no privileges to drive to and from school and work. Annnd. On top of that, my special Judge decides he doesn’t like that 17 part, so it is in every case, for six months.

So, six months from now, on July 20, 2009, I will walk into the court house and reclaim my license- with it, also reclaiming my life and freedom.

And oh yeah. Did I mention there’s a class I get to take now too?

Homecoming is Friday. Going with my boyfriend. But neither of us can drive. Might have to give in and ask my ex to give us a ride.

I’m feeling a cliff jump right about now. Anyone care to join?

kadi.

Funny how we become the people we prayed to never become.

kadi.

She had dreamed of this
Feeling his hands, warm against her cold skin
She had always longed for it
The intimacy in that moment

Funny how those moments aren’t what you thought they’d be
They are darkness cloaked in light
Coldness, hardness disguised as warmth and gentleness
Shame and disgrace played off as perfect beauty

What a surprise for you to walk away like this-
Ever increasing feelings of guilt
When all along you thought you’d feel wanted and loved
Now you only feel worthy of the dust of the ground

I know you feel it’s not at all fair
You didn’t go nearly as far as the others
So you ask why, why all this guilt?
Maybe you should have just never been there.

The problem began that first night
The first time you said “yes”
That’s how you came to the here and now
That’s how you came to be on your knees
Crying out to God for an answer
-one you really don’t want to hear.

Sunday morning I woke up and rubbed my eyes, trying to sort through the events of the day before. It all started so simple, so fun. Going to see a movie with some friends and my boyfriend. But after, they all left, leaving just Chris and I. We decided to stop by River Road Coffee, but our luck- they were closed. So I pulled into the empty parking lot and killed the engine, letting the music play on.

By the end of the night I had gone farther than I ever wanted to before my honeymoon. Sure, not all the way, and sure, not nearly as far as all the others. I very much realize that. But then why all of this guilt? If it shouldn’t be a big deal, why do I feel like this?

I’ve realized one thing though this weekend- just how much of me believed that if I was ever in a situation like that with a guy, then maybe then I would finally feel loved and beautiful and everything every girl looks for.

But instead I feel like a disgrace. I feel like God might as well go ahead and strike me dead.

Again. If I know it’s not a big deal, we didn’t go that far, then why do I feel God should never look at me again?

Maybe it’s because of who I was with. Maybe it’s me and where I’m with concerning God. But something doesn’t match up.

I just want so desperately to shrug off this guilt and enjoy what I have. But is that possible when this feeling is so heavy?

God. What have i done wrong?

kadi.

Yet somehow it never comes out just right. Somehow it never quite does everything justice, never does him justice.

I lost a cousin. ..why? ..how? But it happened. It just happened.

And maybe some things aren’t meant to be formed to a blog that no one will ever read. Maybe it’s best to leave it be. Let the memories of before today and before this week stand as our memories of him. Not the rumors and stories and resulting tension we all experienced today.

Maybe I’ll just leave it like this.

Love ya kid.

kadi.

Hard work gone.
One day, one second.
Only a zero.

Yell for Dad.
Legal transaction?
Silence.

Right. I know.
Quiet explains all.
Don’t say anything.

Took my money.
Wiped it clean.
Their target this time.

He feels responsible.
His daughter. Their problem.
Can’t happen.

I see. I wish I didn’t.

Your pain.
Your worry.
Your fear.
Your burdens.

Please, I’m okay.
I promise. Don’t worry.
Dad. Listen.
It’s okay.

I see. I wish I didn’t.

Serious. I never realized.
Pray for a Provider.
I trust. I believe.
You’re security.

Your hands.
My life? Your life.
God of this city.
God of this family.

kadi.