Occasionally i have the moments where I slow myself down enough and realize i really do miss God.

I keep going, keep busy. And when i’m not busy, i’m sleeping, doing anything to not have to think about life. I used to be rather proud to be able to say i was a “deep” thinker. Now deep thoughts scare me. Because they reveal truth. And that’s what i run from.

Life is good. i used to focus solely on the bad things. Now i ignore them, only see the good, and pretend all is well. it’s works for me, until the couple seconds once in awhile when i have no choice but to slow down. Then, everything i’ve been ignoring comes into plain view.

And it’s in those moments that I really, honestly, do miss God.

I work so hard to avoid Him. Not going to church, and not listening when i have to. Avoiding prayer, opening my Bible, etc, etc, etc.

Partly because i see God as a very, incredibly condemning God.

Go to church sunday morning. You have someone preach to you and lecture you. I always left feeling so incredibly low.

Go to church wednesday evening. If you aren’t on your face before the “cross” pleading for forgiveness, something is wrong.

I hate lectures. I hate being preached at. Love me. Hold me. Live with me. But please, do not lecture me. I won’t listen.

Friends don’t agree with what i’m doing. They’ve given up on me, but before, they’d lecture me. I didn’t listen. They got mad.

Well, maybe if you’d loved me, just the slightest bit, i would have tried to listen to what you had to say.

I see God as a condemning God. Yet I miss Him.

I miss the God I used to know. The one who loved, no matter what you did. The one I felt I could run to whenever i got myself into trouble.

I don’t feel like i can run anywhere. So the nights come, and I roll with it. Giving him parts of me I promised I’d save. In the end I feel so dirty, but I don’t dare go to God. I know what He’ll have to say. So i avoid Him and when the next night comes, I do it all over again.

But I miss the God I used to know. He’s there. Somewhere. I haven’t given up on that just yet. Only problem, though, is i don’t know how the hell to get there. Because the only God within my reach is this condemning one. And I want absolutely nothing to do with Him.

God. I miss You. Not this thing I’ve made you into.

kadi.

What would you say?

I’m not the same innocent little girl.
The one who would never think to lie.
The one who could sit on your lap and tell you about her day.

Do you rememer those nights I would call you at work
Just to say “I love you too, Mommy. Good night.”?
Do you remember me waiting at the door every morning and every evening
Crying as you left for work, and waiting for you to come back?

What would you do?

I’m not so sheltered from the world now.
And my memories aren’t so pure.
I’m not the girl you thought you’d raised

Do you remember waking me up at midnight
Just so I could share a cup of sherbet with you?
Do you remember letting me play dress up
And show off your wardrobe?

What would happen if you knew?

Very little is left pure and untouched.
Me and him? We aren’t just friends.
He even helps me go behind your backs.

Very little could still be called innocent
Our nights spent together, alone
They’ve all lost their image of me.

My passion is gone
My fire long since put out
My dreams become less extravgant with each decision made

But somewhere around, I’m still here
The girl who never wants to grow up
The one who can recite Pocahontas
And wants another ride on the tractor.

Somewhere still, she’s right here,
Daddy’s little girl.

kadi.

To begin my 2009:

I’m still with my boyfriend, yet I know he is not the one for me. One problem. I just can’t seem to call it off.

School is going downhill. I’m losing friends. Nearly failing tests. And lucky I haven’t been kicked out of NHS.

Work. Love the people, hate the work. Plus the hours. I went from twenty a week to three. Between helping my parents pay for my car and court costs, I have a few bucks left to last me two weeks.

Ah yes. Court costs you ask? Well let me explain. You see, I totalled my car in December. So that’s another point:

No car.

But I digress. …I was cited for speeding and inattentivess. Court was today. And because I had a proabtionary license (first six months of having a license) current Ohio law states that at very minimum, my license must be suspended for six months or until I turn 17 with my only privileges being that I can drive only with a parent in the car. That means no privileges to drive to and from school and work. Annnd. On top of that, my special Judge decides he doesn’t like that 17 part, so it is in every case, for six months.

So, six months from now, on July 20, 2009, I will walk into the court house and reclaim my license- with it, also reclaiming my life and freedom.

And oh yeah. Did I mention there’s a class I get to take now too?

Homecoming is Friday. Going with my boyfriend. But neither of us can drive. Might have to give in and ask my ex to give us a ride.

I’m feeling a cliff jump right about now. Anyone care to join?

kadi.

Funny how quickly a life can change, and just from our own decisions. We do things we said we’d never do, and go down paths we swore we’d never take.

Funny how we become the people we prayed to never become.

kadi.

It’s what she wanted for so long.
For a man she loved to be that close.
She always thought it would be “it”
The moment that could give her beauty.

She had dreamed of this
Feeling his hands, warm against her cold skin
She had always longed for it
The intimacy in that moment

Funny how those moments aren’t what you thought they’d be
They are darkness cloaked in light
Coldness, hardness disguised as warmth and gentleness
Shame and disgrace played off as perfect beauty

What a surprise for you to walk away like this-
Ever increasing feelings of guilt
When all along you thought you’d feel wanted and loved
Now you only feel worthy of the dust of the ground

I know you feel it’s not at all fair
You didn’t go nearly as far as the others
So you ask why, why all this guilt?
Maybe you should have just never been there.

The problem began that first night
The first time you said “yes”
That’s how you came to the here and now
That’s how you came to be on your knees
Crying out to God for an answer
-one you really don’t want to hear.

Sunday morning I woke up and rubbed my eyes, trying to sort through the events of the day before. It all started so simple, so fun. Going to see a movie with some friends and my boyfriend. But after, they all left, leaving just Chris and I. We decided to stop by River Road Coffee, but our luck- they were closed. So I pulled into the empty parking lot and killed the engine, letting the music play on.

By the end of the night I had gone farther than I ever wanted to before my honeymoon. Sure, not all the way, and sure, not nearly as far as all the others. I very much realize that. But then why all of this guilt? If it shouldn’t be a big deal, why do I feel like this?

I’ve realized one thing though this weekend- just how much of me believed that if I was ever in a situation like that with a guy, then maybe then I would finally feel loved and beautiful and everything every girl looks for.

But instead I feel like a disgrace. I feel like God might as well go ahead and strike me dead.

Again. If I know it’s not a big deal, we didn’t go that far, then why do I feel God should never look at me again?

Maybe it’s because of who I was with. Maybe it’s me and where I’m with concerning God. But something doesn’t match up.

I just want so desperately to shrug off this guilt and enjoy what I have. But is that possible when this feeling is so heavy?

God. What have i done wrong?

kadi.

I’ve been trying to put all of it into words. I’ve tried it from different perspectives and different angles and different…

Yet somehow it never comes out just right. Somehow it never quite does everything justice, never does him justice.

I lost a cousin. ..why? ..how? But it happened. It just happened.

And maybe some things aren’t meant to be formed to a blog that no one will ever read. Maybe it’s best to leave it be. Let the memories of before today and before this week stand as our memories of him. Not the rumors and stories and resulting tension we all experienced today.

Maybe I’ll just leave it like this.

Love ya kid.

kadi.

God Of This Family.
102208

Hard work gone.
One day, one second.
Only a zero.

Yell for Dad.
Legal transaction?
Silence.

Right. I know.
Quiet explains all.
Don’t say anything.

Took my money.
Wiped it clean.
Their target this time.

He feels responsible.
His daughter. Their problem.
Can’t happen.

I see. I wish I didn’t.

Your pain.
Your worry.
Your fear.
Your burdens.

Please, I’m okay.
I promise. Don’t worry.
Dad. Listen.
It’s okay.

I see. I wish I didn’t.

Serious. I never realized.
Pray for a Provider.
I trust. I believe.
You’re security.

Your hands.
My life? Your life.
God of this city.
God of this family.

kadi.

Tonight I was reminded of how long I’ve been running, how hard, and why. It’s pathetic, but it’s what’s kept me sane.

The relationship ended and I refused to feel anything. I convinced myself I was happy. I convinced myself everything was fine. And it came true for me. Eventually I added bitterness, anger, resentment into that. But never sadness. Never a feeling of missing.

I guess I wondered, though, how bitterness and anger got thrown in there. Tonight it hit me square in the face.

His new girlfriend struggles/struggled with some of the same as I did. When I found out, I was ready to tell her to run. To get away from that relationship. All four months began replaying in my head. Every conversation. Every lecture. Every speech. Every night of going home feeling worse than I first did, and not knowing that was possible. And that was because of his words. All I knew tonight that those same words better not be heard by another soul again, no one should be hurt in the same way. Allow me to be the first, and also the last.

I never admitted I was hurt. But I was.

Funny how he agreed with me tonight when I was talking with a larger group of how a guy should treat a girl. I shot him a few glares, hoping he’d catch on. I was by no means describing him, but the exact opposite.

And now everthing is stirred up once more. All the dirt and crap left behind. It’s all whipped up into a cloud that’s impossible for me to avoid.

I told him all of that is in the past, I’m starting again and forgetting about the last eight months. I believed it for a second, but then realized just how much of it is still with me. It’s all still real and present, nearly tangible.

I said it can’t be undone, forget about it.

“Just don’t let anything you ever said to me be said again.”

And I’m still sticking with that.

kadi.

Allow me to use this entry as an update, long ramble, rant, whatever post. k? Thanks. =)

So haven’t been around much. School picked up. Work began two days later. Since then its been school five days a week and at least twenty hours a week spent at Arby’s. I’ve learned to hate the smell of beef and that, despite me being a woman, i cannot multitask when it comes to the idea of drive thru service. I suck. And I wonder why they haven’t given up on me all together… ; )

I’ve learned that I’m probably one of two Christians there. Kinda hard. Both of us don’t really live like it, just have strong morals. …okay. Most contradicting sentence ever, eh? But from the outside looking in, you probably can’t tell it. Keeps gnawing at me, especially after Africa. What happened to that passion? Or why can’t I act on it? Everyone deals with it, being able to witness there, but not here. But that’s no excuse for me.

On another note, September 24 will be four months since I last picked up a razor. I think this may just be it, may just be my time to let go of that label. I’m pretty excited since I can finally see the light. Along with that, I don’t struggle with depression nearly as much. I smile. I laugh. I enjoy life. It’s really pretty amazing. And I hope I can hold onto it. =)

But that’s all for now. Maybe a real update later with real writing. But between work, school, and a few hours of sleep here and there, it’s hard to do much of anything outside of writing outlines and making orange cream shakes and telling people, “No, we don’t have the 5 for $5.95 deal anymore.”

Until then, how about people join me. Let’s smile and make someone’s day.

= )

kadi.

Funny how three months ago I had no long term intentions of putting down my razors for good. Africa was coming up, so three months ago I figured I should stop until Africa passes, then I will just start up again. One month passed. Then Africa. But this time I wasn’t so quick to go back. Two months. I realized this was the longest I’ve ever gone. Two months. 60 days.

Today is three months. I never thought I would be able to say that. And I never would have believed that I could feel the way I do know, like this is truly it, this is the first time I can think about my upcoming future and not have a razor be somehow involved.

So here it is. Three months. And the start of a new life.

kadi.