I Really Do Miss You.

Occasionally i have the moments where I slow myself down enough and realize i really do miss God.

I keep going, keep busy. And when i’m not busy, i’m sleeping, doing anything to not have to think about life. I used to be rather proud to be able to say i was a “deep” thinker. Now deep thoughts scare me. Because they reveal truth. And that’s what i run from.

Life is good. i used to focus solely on the bad things. Now i ignore them, only see the good, and pretend all is well. it’s works for me, until the couple seconds once in awhile when i have no choice but to slow down. Then, everything i’ve been ignoring comes into plain view.

And it’s in those moments that I really, honestly, do miss God.

I work so hard to avoid Him. Not going to church, and not listening when i have to. Avoiding prayer, opening my Bible, etc, etc, etc.

Partly because i see God as a very, incredibly condemning God.

Go to church sunday morning. You have someone preach to you and lecture you. I always left feeling so incredibly low.

Go to church wednesday evening. If you aren’t on your face before the “cross” pleading for forgiveness, something is wrong.

I hate lectures. I hate being preached at. Love me. Hold me. Live with me. But please, do not lecture me. I won’t listen.

Friends don’t agree with what i’m doing. They’ve given up on me, but before, they’d lecture me. I didn’t listen. They got mad.

Well, maybe if you’d loved me, just the slightest bit, i would have tried to listen to what you had to say.

I see God as a condemning God. Yet I miss Him.

I miss the God I used to know. The one who loved, no matter what you did. The one I felt I could run to whenever i got myself into trouble.

I don’t feel like i can run anywhere. So the nights come, and I roll with it. Giving him parts of me I promised I’d save. In the end I feel so dirty, but I don’t dare go to God. I know what He’ll have to say. So i avoid Him and when the next night comes, I do it all over again.

But I miss the God I used to know. He’s there. Somewhere. I haven’t given up on that just yet. Only problem, though, is i don’t know how the hell to get there. Because the only God within my reach is this condemning one. And I want absolutely nothing to do with Him.

God. I miss You. Not this thing I’ve made you into.

kadi.

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