What A Surprise.

It’s what she wanted for so long.
For a man she loved to be that close.
She always thought it would be “it”
The moment that could give her beauty.

She had dreamed of this
Feeling his hands, warm against her cold skin
She had always longed for it
The intimacy in that moment

Funny how those moments aren’t what you thought they’d be
They are darkness cloaked in light
Coldness, hardness disguised as warmth and gentleness
Shame and disgrace played off as perfect beauty

What a surprise for you to walk away like this-
Ever increasing feelings of guilt
When all along you thought you’d feel wanted and loved
Now you only feel worthy of the dust of the ground

I know you feel it’s not at all fair
You didn’t go nearly as far as the others
So you ask why, why all this guilt?
Maybe you should have just never been there.

The problem began that first night
The first time you said “yes”
That’s how you came to the here and now
That’s how you came to be on your knees
Crying out to God for an answer
-one you really don’t want to hear.

Sunday morning I woke up and rubbed my eyes, trying to sort through the events of the day before. It all started so simple, so fun. Going to see a movie with some friends and my boyfriend. But after, they all left, leaving just Chris and I. We decided to stop by River Road Coffee, but our luck- they were closed. So I pulled into the empty parking lot and killed the engine, letting the music play on.

By the end of the night I had gone farther than I ever wanted to before my honeymoon. Sure, not all the way, and sure, not nearly as far as all the others. I very much realize that. But then why all of this guilt? If it shouldn’t be a big deal, why do I feel like this?

I’ve realized one thing though this weekend- just how much of me believed that if I was ever in a situation like that with a guy, then maybe then I would finally feel loved and beautiful and everything every girl looks for.

But instead I feel like a disgrace. I feel like God might as well go ahead and strike me dead.

Again. If I know it’s not a big deal, we didn’t go that far, then why do I feel God should never look at me again?

Maybe it’s because of who I was with. Maybe it’s me and where I’m with concerning God. But something doesn’t match up.

I just want so desperately to shrug off this guilt and enjoy what I have. But is that possible when this feeling is so heavy?

God. What have i done wrong?

kadi.

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