Still Running.

Tonight I was reminded of how long I’ve been running, how hard, and why. It’s pathetic, but it’s what’s kept me sane.

The relationship ended and I refused to feel anything. I convinced myself I was happy. I convinced myself everything was fine. And it came true for me. Eventually I added bitterness, anger, resentment into that. But never sadness. Never a feeling of missing.

I guess I wondered, though, how bitterness and anger got thrown in there. Tonight it hit me square in the face.

His new girlfriend struggles/struggled with some of the same as I did. When I found out, I was ready to tell her to run. To get away from that relationship. All four months began replaying in my head. Every conversation. Every lecture. Every speech. Every night of going home feeling worse than I first did, and not knowing that was possible. And that was because of his words. All I knew tonight that those same words better not be heard by another soul again, no one should be hurt in the same way. Allow me to be the first, and also the last.

I never admitted I was hurt. But I was.

Funny how he agreed with me tonight when I was talking with a larger group of how a guy should treat a girl. I shot him a few glares, hoping he’d catch on. I was by no means describing him, but the exact opposite.

And now everthing is stirred up once more. All the dirt and crap left behind. It’s all whipped up into a cloud that’s impossible for me to avoid.

I told him all of that is in the past, I’m starting again and forgetting about the last eight months. I believed it for a second, but then realized just how much of it is still with me. It’s all still real and present, nearly tangible.

I said it can’t be undone, forget about it.

“Just don’t let anything you ever said to me be said again.”

And I’m still sticking with that.

kadi.

---