Spinning.

“How did it ever happen, anyway? How did we ever even get to that point?”

“What?”

“Why did we want to break up?”

If I wasn’t dizzy before, I sure as hell am now. My head spins as the world closes in on me. I try to remember to breathe, try to remember to think. How am I supposed to answer that question?

“Well,” he’s thinking out loud, “I know we don’t like the same things at all. We could never figure out anything to do when we wanted to hang out. And both being older siblings, we’re so cautious…”

Yes, yes, I think I remember you saying that. Too different. Right. I agree there. But I remember more of what you said, the couple times sitting in my drive way, on the couch, at school. The many, many reasons you gave me. You said I’m not the type of girl for you. You need someone who is more girly.

You said more. More about me not being the right girl, reasons why. But that one point has stuck with me…

And tonight, you ask that question. Tips me off you’re still thinking about everything, thinking about us, just like I have been this entire time. Except, before Monday night, I was beginning to learn to push it all out of the way, lock it in some drawer, without having to leave scars down my arms to do it. I wanted so bad to feel numb. At least I was learning what places to stay away from so I could avoid those overwhelming emotions. But now this. After nights and nights of convincing myself you’re not the one, I could never stay in a relationship with you. Learning what type of guy I do want, a guy who is so opposite from you..

Then why can we not stay away from each other for too long?

What is going on with my life? Why can’t everything stop spinning, just slow down for once…

kadi.

---