Your Guardian Angel.

RJA’s Your Guardian Angel. When we were dating, this song made me think of him. It was how I felt.

When I see your smile
Tears roll down my face, I can’t replace
And now that I’m strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I’ll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I’ll stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It’s okay, It’s okay, It’s okay..

Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer
And nights grow shorter
I can show you I’ll be the one

I will never let you fall
I’ll stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

‘Cause you’re my, you’re my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don’t throw that away
‘Cause I’m here for you
Please don’t walk away and
Please tell me you’ll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I’ll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I’ll stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

One Sunday night, he let it all out in the open, even with his very real fear that I would walk away, from disgust, fear… But I sat right there, and promised to never leave. Funny how over half a year later and a relationship that’s ended, I can still listen to this song and feel so similar to how I did then.

But some things have changed, of course after what we’ve been through and what I’ve been through, some parts of what we’d grown accustomed to would have to be rocked from their foundations.

When we broke up, we still talked. A lot. Part of me loved it. The one thing I was afraid of was losing our friendship. I could deal without the relationship. But time passed and I realized it would be so much easier if this was a situation where you break up with the person and never see them again.

I got back from Africa several weeks ago. Texted him, not expecting anything to have changed. But between then and a few days ago, we had little exchanges. At first I wondered if it was me, or if it was him, finally moving on, moving toward this new crush of his. I was upset for a bit, why are we all of a sudden not talking? At all? But I kept my same mentality, “suck it up and deal.” I did. I had no desire to talk to him, and no desire to see him- I was almost repulsed by any thought of seeing him.

Last Wednesday I went to prayer and praise. Purposefully showing up a few minutes after they’d started so I could slip in the back of the dark, loud, crowded room. I knew he’d be there, and I had no plans of talking. I’d slip in ad slip out just as easily after. But he wasn’t there. Breathing a sigh of relief, I relaxed. Only for him to show up a few minutes later.

I’ve learned to hate emotions. And suddenly it didn’t matter how long I had made it, I would hurt myself tonight, bring out the razor again, just to control these overwhelming emotions. Conflicting in the most literal sense. Like seeing an old friend and seeing someone you’d never wished to see again. All in the same split second. I slapped on a mask, smiled, acted genuinely happy to see him. Laughed at his stupid comments, jokingly glaring at the right moments, all the while becoming aware of my hands balling into fists at my sides. I prayed, asking for control. “Why do I feel like this?” Bitterness. Regret. Anger. Loss. Sadness. Relief. Joy. How can these all coexist? How is it possible?

Pastor Tom stepped up to speak. By this time I had had several minutes to calm down. I settled into a familar rythm, not having to put as much of an act to appear happy and at ease. I thought, I really thought that was it. I was over it. No big deal.

The second worship set. I stayed balled up on the floor, praying. I had suddenly realized what I’d previously ignored- my deep desire for control. I wanted control over my emotions. Never mind God, I wanted to shut off, to not go to Him, but to lock my self in the bathroom and mindlessly watch blood drip to the floor, too numb, emotionally and physically, to feel what should be hurting like hell.

I looked up in time, moving my hair out of my face, to see him, all too eagerly, walk over to see a friend. Why that sent a fresh wave of whatever it was I was feeling, I have no clue. I suppose, when he was at my side, joking, treating me like someone he’s been friends with since the beginning of the world, and like nothing has ever happened, that I felt some sort of reassurance. Like the last few weeks, our lack of communication was all in my head. There was nothing wrong, I was just over analyzing the situation. But the second he left to go see her, it felt like that reassurance left right along with him. My knees felt like they might buckle from underneath me. I couldn’t stand. I wanted to collapse. But I wanted to desperately to run. I wanted to get away. I didn’t want to ever come back.

I grabbed my bag and slipped out just as I had come in. The hall was dark as well, I hoped no one would see me, again curled in a ball, on the floor at the end of the hall. I didn’t make it long until I was outside, heading for Arby’s. I’d go there to be alone. I could wait there and go home when the right time to go came around, when I should be there, so it would look like nothing was wrong. Getting out of that room, I could stop and think. I was okay. It was going to be okay. Everything would be alright.

Out of the blue, he texted me last night. First time in so long. First, relief. So good to hear from him. Then bitterness. I did not want to talk to him. But for him to text something like that, I knew he needed someone. But why me? He asked if he could talk to me for awhile. Awhile. It could be anything. The problems revealed that Sunday night. Maybe some stupid drama. Maybe some crap about his crush.

I called. My hands were shaking, but I kept my voice calm enough. “Hey, what’s up?” Silence. Eventually I learned of loneliness and frustration and a problem resurfacing. He was hurting. And that loneliness.. I recognized a desire in him, one reflected from my own life. With the end of our relationship in May, we both lost someone we could easily talk to. We knew we needed each other. And for June, we still had some of it. But I guess now there was more pain than I originally thought. And these last couple weeks. What was going on every night, stuff that he couldn’t talk to anyone about?

I was torn. I am torn. I realize a need in him for someone who can listen and understand. And right now, the only person is me. And it kills him to not have that person. Yet it kills me to have him. Seeing him, hearing him again, it tears me up inside. But I hate to see him hurt. But, the pain of having to watch him hurt is somehow stronger than the pain of being near him again. I can’t stand seeing him, someone I somehow feel so much bitterness towards, in pain. However that works out.

I’ll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It tears me up inside to be close. I’m reading Breaking Dawn right now by Stephanie Meyer. In it, Bella is pregnant with a child who is half human, half vampire. This child is strong to say the least, and is literally killing Bella from the inside out, never intentially. But Bella still loves the little thing, with a love that surpasses any logical reasoning. Even though it is killing her.

It kills me. I remember so clearly last Wednesday. And somehow I have a feeling tomorrow will be a repeat. But at the moment I’m the person he needs. So, for the time being, I’m going to keep my mouth shut. Reassure him I don’t mind him calling to rant or to ask for help. Even though his actions kill me from the inside out, pulling in two completely different directions. I’ll reassure him there’s no problem. Everything is fine on my side, and I’m here if he ever needs anything.

Even if saving you sends me to heaven.

kadi.

---